I was marvelling at the proteins strands in my brain processing all the memories, feelings, old smells,
emotions, evoked by looking at old photos, letters, things Mom made: baskets, paintings, her sewing notions. Donna reminded me we are about the age Mom was when I moved out here.
That started a whole new string of memories, detoured by tears and smiles, and bewilderment, and
kind communications from friends and family.
So yesterday I jotted words down as they came, not wanting to forget stories, feelings, and how the day went when Mom left the material plane, I felt her presence, as if she could be with me in the cool clean mountain air she loved when she visited. A few times She saw this house, slept downstairs. We drove up onto the hill.
When I moved out here it was a month after Katie died. I was restless to live here, in mysterious wonderful never seen Vermont. I made plans and never saw Mom's face until the day my brother Sam and I left. She was sad. I did not know why and in my plans thought maybe we were doing her a favor.
"Don't worry I'll be back in a year once I get this out of my system." Like technicolor, that moment, I added, "We'll be closer." She smiled maybe not sure why herself. I never moved back home.
We all adjusted. I think we were closer. We talked on Sundays and as time passed, there was less to talk about. Sometimes I would ask her about old family or spiritual ideas, philosophy. I repeatedly failed to write down the history and remember only snippets. She wrote a brief history which I re-read recently.
In about 1880 her parents were born. Her true life spanned 3 Centuries by my rules. My rules: Women are born with the eggs that could develop into a fetus. So your maternal grandmother gives birth to your mother with all the eggs your Mom will have. if I perseverate too much, just skip this part.
Tomas led her by the hand once she was assured her husband and each of her 7 children was safe and settled. It was not about her husband and her 7 being happy about it. It was about being Settled.
I felt like the honey was gone from the honey comb, or was the comb gone? I could visualize the empty space, and it would never be the same again.
That afternoon, off to the East, over the Green Mountains, a mighty rumble of thunder came from a lone thunderhead. Uncommon to see that here, in Vermont. Cool, blue skies overhead. Really the perfect summer day. Except for Mom passing over, that is, passing on, dying, gone. I went to see the big billowy cloud. And a little rainbow struggle to be seen, a rainbow pillar, really, 7 colors, for the 7 chakras, 7 archangels, Seven again.
In the west another cloud rose up....
Mom said there are chicken mothers and eagle mothers. Chicken mothers hold their babies close under their wings. Eagle mothers toss the babies out of the nest to fly on their own.
She told me many times," I am an eagle mother." And she would do this proud posture thing.
I was proud too, I love Eagles, independence. Once I told a friend/co-worker the story.
She replied, "I had a lizard mother, she layed eggs and walked away."
And I saw again, how Mom's stories were leading me to a greater understanding.
7th month. July. Born in July, Had 7 kids, Died in July, I Saw Sevens all day,
looked down at my shirt. Cardinals #7 Halladay. I bought it out there was it ? last visit?
Recently called Dad during the game (faux pas, no-no). Halladay got a home run while we were talking which I thought rare for the timing. I told Dad I was wearing his shirt and it bewildered him a bit...7 is my lucky number which is why I picked Halladay. Bro Paul said it was a good choice in shirts.
Played stupid app, it said to spin the wheel, thought of Mom the day I watched her play Slot machines with a fierce intention. Got a free app which was Slots with 7’s, all sevens, no money changing hands. Mom would have loved it. The sign I was looking for, they were all around me.
My service cat, was all over me all day. I kept thinking he had met her. I was trying to do the calendar math, I gave up.
Giant Coreopsis, Phlox, Jewelweed, Catnip, Queen Anne's Lace.
Mom loved honey, and bees, and I noticed how many more bees are here and healthy thanks to neighbors, and nature's way.
Trees, a whip of a tree grew back on a stub of a red delicious tree that had broken off. Zone 5 we never should have tried, still we can hope. I gaze at the giant locust trees with a feathery living canopy and remember the Vietnamese painting David sent home that hung in my bedroom on 128 East High. The painting captured the locusts green clouds of leaves, switching up and down in the breeze. I see a spruce Fred’s Dad planted that he brought home in his pocket from the Northeast kingdom, my memory of his telling me about this tree and that tree, then pointing out Mad River. I hoped he did that so on days like that day I could look and say, at least we had that moment, and like a secret sign, my energy goes in a focused direction. Mom loved trees, and everything about trees. One year Paul dug the big hole and planted the blue spruce live Xmas tree we had. It was a great tree.
She loved them, and we talked about birds all my life and as Donna said her laugh was like a bird call that we tried and could not replicate. Her laugh always incited a laugh in anyone nearby.
The memory of nature, she loved it here, in cool Vermont summer, like I love it here.
Cool perfect July breeze. Lush, green, clean clear air. I had her visit in the summer so she could sleep with the window open, no A/C. The next time she visited she wanted to see the changing colors. Fred drove us to all the great foliage drives. Up through the Islands, down the spine of the Green Mountains, all around, on the ferry on Lake Champlain.
More powerful lately.
She and I are not sun tolerant.
Sky that afternoon,
Blue clear overheard,
Two thunderclouds one over the spine of the Green Mtns
One over the lake
That one like a mittened hand, later more like a
little maid, like the quilt her mother started and I finished.
|ThunderCloud over Lake Champlain|
Mary mary quite contrary
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells and
Pretty little maids all in a row
The rest a blur, then the day was done.
I miss Mom a great deal, and yet I have never felt her so strongly.
She is free.
Last night, a Large bright Moon
Rosicrucian, Kundalini, Shaman, Chakra, Atrology
Cancer the sign, Moon, Water
The signs of the Zodiac are Karmic Patterns;
the Planets are the Looms;
the Will is the Weaver
(Edgar Cayce Reading #3654-L-1).
leaving stories for later...
The corduroy, lazy woman’s thread
|Betz & Dick Alaska|