For my doctor

For Hillel Panitch,
my primary MS doctor and the relentless researcher of MS,
who had stellar bedside manner and
who I really had to be talked into seeing by my eye doctor. In the end he became my first choice neuro doctor and I am very picky, being an "old neuro nurse".
I wrote this shortly after I found out he was gone.


I was sitting in the McDonalds parking lot,
Eating my lunch on the road where I work
(I still work full time, thanks Dr. P...)
Assessing clients

And helping them access personal care.

The clinic called and my heart always skips a beat when they call me

Back to my other reality....

This is YOUR life, not some other sufferer.

They wanted to invite me to a tribute to Dr Panitch.

I was on the “a” list.

I looked around, was there anyone looking at me?

Did anyone see? Hear?

I wanted to be polite, respectful,

I wanted to say, Yes.

My schedule flashing in my head.

How could I do that, I thought.
It is for the MS society.

The people who thought my MS story was too long and when I shortened it they said it wasn’t quite right.

But it is for Dr Panitch, I thought,
A lifetime achievement award.

No, I said, so plainly, No.

I am honored (and I was sincerely),

But I cannot do it.

I lived in two worlds,

The Neuro Nurse and the Neuro patient.

My friends, coworkers from 30 years ago would be there,

as health care professionals.

How would I fit in?

My world, a subset of both nurse and patient.

Hearing he is gone from our material world,

I am relieved I was not there,

That my memories can be of him standing in the hallway,

Trying to peek at my progress on his study meds,

Briefly making eye contact, I smiled at him,

Trying to say what he has done for me is appreciated.

He has bought me some time,

He has given me expensive cutting edge treatment I would have otherwise gone without,

He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “Don’t worry, we will take care of you.”

And

He meant every word.